Public Bathrooms

What I wake up and think about at two in the morning.

Never touch ANYTHING inside a public bathroom (or any other place deemed dirty). Entry in to the public bathroom is part skill, part chance as you wait for someone on the other side to open the door. You should immediately rush the door, catching it with your foot. Using all of the dexterity of your foot, open the door and enter.

In a one person public bathroom get a paper towel and lock the door. In a multi-stalled bathroom a survey must be taken of each stall in order to choose one worthy of your use. A worthy stall contains a flushed and clean toilet (no dribbles on the seat), toilet paper and plenty of it, and those tissue paper toilet seat covers (bring your own when possible, 99¢ for a five pack at Walgreens).

Enter a worthy stall by pushing it open with your foot. Grab a tissue paper toilet seat cover (by a corner that doesn't look touched or covered with public bathroom germs) and lock the door to the stall with the tissue seat cover. Throw it into the toilet and flush with your shoe covered foot.

You have just mastered the first few steps of using a public bathroom. You are almost ready to "go". First you must take two tissue paper toilet seat covers and lay them on top of the toilet seat. Two toilet seat covers ensure that you will not come in direct contact with the bare and probably microorganism infested toilet seat at any time during your public bathroom experience.

Always remember, the first layer of toilet paper on a public bathroom roll is covered with germs and may have been touched. So roll off a layer of toilet paper with your foot and put it in the toilet.

Now you can "go".

Never forget the proper way to flush a public bathroom toilet is with your foot. Two toilet seat covers may require a double flush. Use your foot!

(8/17: I left this document open and now have Dallin’s input: “Now, if you just flushed the toilet with your shoe, when you take off you shoe you are going to get germs on your hands then, right? - Freaks”).

Open the stall with a clean piece of toilet paper which you dispose of in the public bathroom garbage being careful not to touch any garbage or the garbage container in the process.

Please read the next steps carefully and multiple times in order to ingrain them in your mind. These are very important instructions that can make or break your public bathroom experience.

Most new public bathrooms have a machine that blows air on your hands to dry them. Bad, bad, very gross! Where does that machine get the air it blows? Look at it, the intake air vents pull from the floor, which means that all of the germs and yuck on the floor will be blown onto your wet (ready for germs and bacteria) hands. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT even think of using this device! I will give you further instructions on hand drying, when this is the only option, later.

Look for paper towels. Look for the kind that you pull out without having to turn a crank. Prior to washing your hands pull off the next paper towel and throw it into the garbage container. This first paper towel is already contaminated with public bathroom germs.

Paper towel by crank may be your only choice if so, choose a sink next to the paper towel dispenser. Roll out a piece of paper towel before you wash your hands. Now, as you wash your hands, you must crowd the paper towel dispenser with your shoulder so that others will not even consider using your clean and pre-dispensed piece of paper towel.

Is the water in the sink burning hot? If not, it doesn't matter what you have done to this point, you are now going to get deadly sick and possibly start a world wide plague. Are you in a restaurant? Do the food servers wash their hands in this lukewarm bacteria laden water? Don't ever come here again!

When the water has warmed to scorching, you may wet your hands. Take some soap and vigorously scrub your hands together. You must sing the ABC song twice, at a normal pace, as you wash the backs, sides and palms of your hands. Don’t forget in-between your fingers and in your nail beds. Plunge your hands into the stream of hot water and rinse all those germs down the drain. (Do not touch any part of the basin or sink including the faucet handle at this time).

Grab your waiting and well guarded piece of paper towel and use it to shut off the water. You must also use this piece of paper towel to crank out another piece of paper towel (a big one). Throw your first piece in the garbage (remember the garbage instructions).

Use your big piece of paper towel to dry your hands. You may need another one so use this piece to get another piece. If you are done drying your hands get yet another piece of paper towel (using your last piece to turn the little crank).

This last paper towel is your key to freedom from the public bathroom. You use this piece to open the door. If the garbage container is close to the door you may make a hoop shot into the garbage as you exit. Some public bathroom garbage containers are will beyond the hoop shot range. In this case, you may have to carry that last paper towel to the closest garbage container outside of the public bathroom for disposal.

A few words for those who MUST use a public bathroom with those hand dryers. Wash your hands as above with these exceptions: Use your elbow turn off the water then dry your hands on the inside of your shirt (note: this can only be done once before changing and properly washing your shirt using copious amounts of chemicals and hot water). When using a “hand dryer machine only” public bathroom your freedom depends on one of two things:

The door of the public bathroom opens out. This means you can actuate the door lever with your foot.
Or
It’s a public bathroom, there will be others needing to “go”. When the next person comes in, act fast, as soon as remotely polite, rush the door. Catch that door with your foot.

The incorrect way to open a door that swings in, is to use the inside of your shirt. My sister Laurel advised me to think of the germs you will be carrying with you the rest of the day (germs that will actually absorb through your skin as you go about life as if nothing is happening). You may be tempted to think this is obsessive but patiently remind yourself of the sick days you save as you wait for someone on the outside to come in.

This is some of the most important information you may take with you into the world.


P.S. Dallin has me thinking: There are a vast number unknown substances that most likely reside under and fall upon your shoes. Wash your hands immediately after taking off your shoes each day. Safety measures would require the use of disposable nitrate gloves to take off your shoes.